Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
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Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”