me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
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*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait