[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
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Merry Christmas
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*