Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
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Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you