No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
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Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
inside you are two wolves
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!