Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
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That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
*jazz hands*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.