My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
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Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”