“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
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I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Sheep
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.