Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
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Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
back to work
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[eats all your cotton candy]
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.