Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
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i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks