ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
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Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
doing some research
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school