Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
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What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Made something I’m not proud of
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?