Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
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Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
This hospital has everything
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.