Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
You Might Also Like
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.