6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
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Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
me, too, girl. me, too.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age