1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
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I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”