Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
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Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.