I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
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Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn