The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
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Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Who’s ready for Friday?!
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
they finally got him. they got macavity
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?