Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
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If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
🤣🤣🤣
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.