Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
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Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.