Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
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I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…