Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
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My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Me, reading some of your tweets
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound