Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
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carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Cannot stop laughing at this
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.