Sweet. Free refrigerators!
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One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
We’ve all been there
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.