Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
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[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Bill is short for Billiam
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
this could fix me
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick