ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
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Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.