ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
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You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
An odd boast
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.