ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
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Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!