ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
You Might Also Like
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
they split up moments later
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings