Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
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Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too