Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
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I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Nice try Hitler
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence