Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
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Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
🤣
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