Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
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I WON A HAM TODAY
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
i prefer mine room temperature.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.