Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
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Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.