Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
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I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Cardio Made Easy
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A