My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
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just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I love twitter
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.