Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
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My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.