Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
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When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.