Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
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[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”