Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
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“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.