Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
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I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes