Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
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I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.