People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
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Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
The Sun
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.