Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
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Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*