Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
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Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
do horses think humans are hats
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*