My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
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I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry