Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
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*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child