ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
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If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Finally
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.