ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
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In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.